My personal relationship with God
It has been a journey, many others have taken it, and it is open to you. I have no doubt that God has been with me all my life, even when I did not cooperate. The same is true for you, just have patience. In the meantime, I suggest a short daily reading of scripture. Give God a chance.
The apostle, John, had a close relationship with Jesus, and cared for Mary after the Crucifixion. So John had opportunity for learning about Jesus' childhood from Mary and directly observing Jesus during his ministry. So those constructing his gospel were able to faithfully give a clearer picture of what Jesus taught. In John 13:34-35 we learn of the new law, "love one another". We get a clearer picture of the Holy Trinity in John 5:19-30 and 5:14-17. The equality of men and women is perhaps best shown in John's Gospel.
My love of the gospel according to John may be attributed to the fact it was the first one we studied the first year I joined as the only graduate student, along with some faculty and townspeople, in a study group led by Dr. Joseph Druse, an English Professor at Michigan State University.